11th Hour Coaching

The Most Intimate Gift

All I had ever wanted was for her to embrace me.You know, the way a mother does with her child. I wanted her to tell me how wonderfully I had turned out. What a fine adult I had become.There was no chance of that ever happening now.

I got the call on a Wednesday afternoon. I was doing leg presses on my Bow Flex. The caller I.D.read 'State of Maine'. I knew what they were calling about and instinctual I began to cry.

I was given away to the neighbors at birth.There was always a promise that someday I would be brought home to my family to live. I think at 45 I was still in my own very funny way, waiting.

My mother had been a ward of the state of Maine since my birth. I had met her a few times.The family who raised me had done the absolute best that they could.

We always want more though.The fairy tale. One home, two parents, siblings sitting across the table who smile back at us with the same quirky smile.

I had always thought that one day,when the time was right,I would reunite with my mother. All that wonderful stuff you see on the 'After School Specials' would happen to me. I had visited her a handful of time throughout the years, brought my children to visit and a husband or two.The reuniting fantasy that I kept alive deep within in the yearning child who still exists in my heart always wanted that warm ,welcoming,embrace.

The Social worker on the other end of the phone said she needed to tell me that my mothers cancer had spread throughout her body and I should know that she probably had about six weeks left to live. I asked some questions being that I am an  "End of Life Coach".Then I hung up.Then I was no longer an "End of Life Coach", but a daughter. I began to sob.

I cried for the child in me whose mom was dying.

I cried for that impossible dream that was never going to come true.

I drove to Maine a few days later,as early as I possibly could.

I entered the nursing home where my mother had lived for years.

I went to her room.

She was lying there in her bed. I know what death looks like and it was there.Fully embracing this women who had captured my imagination as my mother.

I looked at the nurse who had entered the room with me. I whispered "This women hasn't got six weeks left to life, this women hasn't got six hours". The nurse assured me that my mother was a lot better when she was awake.

I looked, doubtfully, at my daughter who accompanied me on this trip ,and got us each a chair.

I took my mothers long thin tapered fingers in my hand, the first time in my life.

She was sleeping so I got real close up near to her face and looked at her graceful long Grey and black eye lashes. I looked at those beautiful cheekbones that i had been seeing everyday in the mirror. There she was,my mom, so close and so very near to the exit door.

I bent forward and placed my cheek on her and breathed in the smell of her. I was making memories.

She moved and opened her eyes.

"Hi Ma I said ,It's me,Bettina. She nodded. She mouthed the words for the first of many times "I love you."

I said "I love you too".

Instinctively I wanted to run. I wanted this not to be happening. I wanted to not be the grown up, well seasoned, "End of Life Care Coach". I wanted to be the little kid.

I got hold of myself.

I told her everything.

I told her that I had been well taken care of my whole life.

She mouthed "I love you".

I told her that though I may not have been raised by her that it had made me strong and capable.That I had learned a lot and that I was going to be fine.

She mouthed "I love you".

I told her that I had loved her everyday of my life and would always love her,

She nodded she told me she loved me and then she closed her eyes.

She drew in one breathe.She drew In another breathe.

I waited for the third.Then I waited some more.

It never came.

All My life I waited for some sort of intimacy with my mother and had been denied.

Then,in a moment without fanfare I had been granted the most intimate of moments.

I looked at my daughter.We both begin to cry and at the same moment said "oh wow she waited for us".

I sat with her for a few minutes.She might still be in this room,watching me,feeling my presence and that of my daughter.

I held her hand and rubbed her hair until she was cold.

I am not sure how I feel about what followed,I asked to bathe her but when I stepped out of the room to call her family ,the aids hurriedly bathed and changed her clothes.I felt robbed by that.Bathing her would have allowed me some closure,I did not want to wallow in any sadness.

What followed is more a story about a child separated from her biological parents then an End of Life coach...maybe some day i will write about it again.

I am home

Home Again.

Wow how long has it been since I have blogged?

For you loyal readers I hope you are still checking in and I am sorry.

I did some travelling.

I went to Casablanca.

Guess what.

Americans are still welcome there..I was a little nervous leaving home, but found that most folks said "We love America!." We are just a littled puzzeled about your president."

I found myself wishing I had done this a long time ago.

Morrocans are wonderful people..They love to dance and eat and visit.They work hard and they play hard

I was very fortunate to be able to go and as always, glad to come home.

Thanks for being here when I got back.

More soon,

Bettina

Goodbye Krystine White

Good bye you beautiful child,

Whose eyes  shone like the sun,

Whose million dollar smile hid a depth of incomprehensible pain.

Forgive me that I did not see,

The pain was so, so, much.

Good bye Krystine

What Would You Do?

What would you do If you knew you could not fail? Ever heard that sentence before?

I would get my body into such excellent shape that it would make me smile.I would fall in love with whomever I choose and not get heart broken when they reject me.

I would make drawings of faces of people that I love.And not be scared to show them when people asked to see them.

I would say whatever was on my mind.I would speak freely if my feelings were hurt.

I would be me. All of me.

What would you do?

Joy

Tuesday morning after much anticipation my lover arrived to celebrate our version of Valentines day. The joy I felt while watching him walking up the front steps to my house brought laughter from my toes to my heart and outward.

We do not have a lot of time together. We live in different states and have full lives on our own. We have  a great friendship and neither of us is willing to give that up. In fact, we enjoy the path we are building and sharing.

We went skiing on Tuesday. Cross Country Skiing on Kingdom Trails in Northeastern Vermont  is beautiful ,with well groomed trails and breathtaking atmosphere.

We got snowbound on Valentines day. More Joy!

I work with the dying and grief a lot. In fact I think we are all too intimate with grief some days in this war torn world of our.

I had forgotten what a belly laugh feels like. I sometimes forget the joy of a beautiful person in a dark sweater with dark sunglasses bringing love.

I had forgotten the wonderful childhood memory of sore thigh muscles and sweaty sweaters from an afternoon of fresh air and skiing.

Acknowledging our grief and  is crucial.

Acknowledging our joy is life's blood.

Grief and War

Thinking about the earths children today, fighting in Iraq.

Thinking about thier moms and dads, brothers and sisters. Wives and husbands ..and babies.

I am thinking about the ones who will never get  home,the ones whose homes have been destroyed, and the ones who have died there  at home. I am  praying for those who are there and praying they will be brought home soon and be given the help they need to regain any health they may have lost while over there.

I am praying for peaceful justice, I do a lot of praying these days

Acceptance

Four and fifty years

I've hung the sky with stars.

Now I leap through-

What shattering!

Death poetry of Zen Master  Dogen

Letting Go of Resentments

In a statement after the bombings of 9/11/01 Archbishop Desmond Tutu asked us to consider this fact.

"Without forgiveness there is no future"

Do you remember that? Ever think about what that really means?

Yesterday I was lucky enough to listen to a speaker Me'lleny Kennedy speak on forgiveness at the Unitarian Universalist Church that I attend. Me'llany quoted Tutu and asked us to consider this statement and what it really means.

My first reaction to this statement way back when, as I clutched my daughters and their lives close to my heart, was that If we do not learn to forgive, we will cause such devastation that life on earth will be unlivable.

Then I dug a bit deeper and thought about forgiving as the other end of resentment. I realized this may be more in line with what so many people have tried to point out.

If we hold on to our resentments, we continue to live in the past.

There is no future if we are stuck,in the past

Has being neighborly gotten "Plutoed" ?

I just learned that to be Plutoed means to be devalued.

The planet Pluto was demoted in importance last year. Lack of size?Interest?

Ouch.

I wonder if that has happened to being a good neighbor. What has happened to doing the right thing whether or not anyone is looking. Doing it because it feels good. Doing it cause your mom would have wanted you to,like cooking a meal for a sick friend, or stopping by an elderly neighbors house for a visit because you haven't seen them out and about lately?

What has happened to looking up smiling and saying good morning to your neighbor when you are walking to work?

Lets not let being a good neighbor get Plutoed,our communities depend on it.